song

in my dreams, your dreams come true.

croissant pajamas, they're gonna be big.

So if you've been reading my married bluggg cubadivin.blogspot.com (i know its a reckless push but i write on that one so much more than on mine now) you'd understand why this is the greatest discovery since packaged fried fish.

really,
yeah, they're croissants.

PS

My cousin's boyfriend sent this to her and it made me laugh so hard I had to share it.

Dear Stephanie,

I don't really know how to tell you this, I’m joining the Convent. I think I realized it when you smacked my sister at the mental hospital and I saw you carve your initials into Bert and Ernie. I'm sure you're open enough to understand that I get bored counting marshmallows. I'm returning your toe ring, the pictures from Vegas, and your pet rock to you, but I'll keep your photo with the mustache drawn on it as a memory. You should also know that I get sick when I think of your feet and I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo.

You make me sick,
Jacob

Cranberry Crumble

So, you're hungry- you want sugar but you don't want to feel bad?

Cranberry Crumble

4 cups fresh or frozen cranberries

3/4 c sugar

1/2 c quick cooking oats

1/2 c brown sugar

1 tsp cinnamon

1/2 c flour

1/4 c butter (1/2 stick)

1/4 c water

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
In a large bowl combine cranberries and sugar.
Allow to sit for several minutes.
Combine oats, brown sugar, cinnamon, and flour until well mixed.
Cut in butter and mix until crumbly.
Spoon cranberries into a buttered 8x8 baking dish.
Pour water over cranberries.
Sprinkle crumble mixture over the cranberries and bake for 45 minutes.
Serve with ice cream.[maybe]...

If you want to go crazy add sliced apples.

Check er out [everyone's doin it]

WWW.CUBADIVIN.BLOGSPOT.COM

[now everyone will know who the real brandon cochran is] [honestly my family thinks they died and went to heaven when he is around, and that he NEVER misbehaves, NEVER belches or jokes about gas with me, NEVER hands me HUGE AMOUNTS OF horrifying hygiene products in walmart- declaring loudly to everyone around us that we better "stock up", and NEVER NEVER laughs insanely loud like a mental retard in public places to embarrass me.]

and
on top of it all,
he never
never
forgets to love me for all my nevers.
(is that what they mean by neverland?)


Oh how I love that man...

marry christmas

So, this year other than making out like a bandit with an incredible wedding- two birthdays (four turtledoves and two gold rings one frenchman and no calling birds- or mail) I got this gift for christmas that I am super excited about for obvious reasons.On the back this is what it says...

"About three things I was absolutely certain.

First, Edwart was most likely my soul mate, maybe.

Second, there was a vampire part of him- which I assumed was wildly out of his control- that wanted me dead.

And third, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynocologically, and disreputably wished he had kissed me."

ahhahahahaaha YES
thanks to lachelle for such a clever and wonderful gift
and no thanks to the fact that in spite of me unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably and direputably finding this novella hilariosu beyond all reason

it kinda makes me want to go back and read the twighlight series even more.

love,
j

christmas is coming, jacqueline is getting fat...

please put a penny in the old man's hat.

this morning the entire family woke up wearing gray.

and eating cookies.

ladies and gentlemen it's going to be a good one.

b- i wish you were here.
love
j

Fool me twice

I can't get warm. The house hums and groans but no heat runs through her walls, nor the floorboreds, not my toes, or my arms.

The christmas lights look happy, all turning to my direction- blinding me with some word that I can't think of right now.

The small, squibbled red line appears in every sentence- fix it, fix it. But ignorance is what I wear today.

No heat in ignorance.

so the song makes more sense now
"it takes a fool, who plays it cool by making his world a little colder."

I remember dancing around the big blue room, I was in high school and my small 14 year old mind single handedly (do minds have hands?)(with a little help from my- family) rediscovered the Beatles.

I moved my feet, over all the broken sunglasses in the carpet, all the paint samples and half used tape, the magazines, the sample spoons, the ticket stubs, my fortunes.

I knew he would make me rip them down.

For what?
I pulled out a marker and wrote the hey jude line on the small mirror hanging outside the bathroom.

Why was there a mirror there?
So that I could think twice, glance twice.
Once before I entered the commode
and once inside.

But what was in there anyhow?

The room is green now.
New.

All of the things that hung holding the walls
in seven black
bleak
boring
bags

all those personal things

thrown away
given to a stranger
in a strange huge truck
who took them to a strange
sad
place.

This only means something if you've seen it.

If you looked once on me
and twice
on the inside.

Then you understand what I'm saying.

But if you don't
then you can stand up
walk to the hall or bathroom or wherever you have a mirror
face it,
turn around
and face it again.

See what it says.

no mail

there IS an elephant in the room and it is dressed up as Toffee.

How do I love thee?

This post was too emotional to post and too angry/
so I'm gonna sleep on it. and if you really care to see it you can email me and ask.
love
jacqueline
and brandon.

" I kicked his soccer ball, right into the barbed wire- and then he watched it deflate slowly..."

The title of this blog is what Brandon called to tell me at 6 in the morning. I need to send this poor pashtun kid a new size five regulation soccer ball because Brandon is ruining national relations.


" I kicked his soccer ball, right into the barbed wire- and then he watched it deflate slowly..."


I love him.
Now how on earth am I going to fit a soccer ball into a package that is normal sized?

"my wife will send you a new soccer ball!"

psh.

you are stuck in my head

pix patisserie

waaaaannnntttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I'm a man man man, eater."

Today my wonderful sweet fabulous fantastic supercalifragilisticexpealidocious etc. relief society (emphasis on relief) said this in comment to something I said in church
she said

"My mother never read 'they lived happily ever after' instead, she changed the words to 'And they worked very hard to love each other every day'."

I love that.

It is so true. Growing up, my concept of love and temple marriage was celestial. That doesn't mean that marriage isn't all its cut out to be - for realz people its the greatest in the whole wide earth. It just means that it isn't perfect, and that if we work together as a team and turn our hearts to God and the gospel and to others that we make it alright.

My husband is the dreamiest, most wonderful kind hearted, sacrificing, fun, and aggravatingly patient person. I'm glad we have our differences, it opens my eyes to so much more.

It makes me know that we are ALWAYS a team, and we are ALWAYS worth any struggle. The convenants and promises we've made mean that together- we can become perfect. Well, in our eyes at least.

But the hard work comes first.

I can't wait.

Love cracks your heart open, spreads it really wide until you think your body is going to split into a million tiny pieces and then- miraculously it heals.

So next time, you can hold it all.

Happy merry

toffee toff-ow.

Pandora radio- a big thank you for curing my holiday blues, reds, and purples. (a combination of the two) While I made toffee for the first time, which turned out a little pinky? pink? what? who nose. I think it's a combination of trying to pretend like I can cook (I bought all stainless steel pots and pans- I saw them, shine ing at me in target and they came home with me...) and my love for the concept that REAL cooks use THESE kinda of PANZ. Unfortunately, REAL cooks, REALLY KNOW HOW to use these pans.
I'm not sure I do...
Everything burns, sticks, sits, stews, and simmurz.
SHOOT.
owel.
Things were going well when (If I could give you this INCREDIBLE toffee recipe I would insert it here, but for the fact that it's a family recipe and my mother would pull all of my toes off one by one if I ever peeped a word...) after stuurrrr ing for almost 40 minutes.... (phew) the mixture turned PINK- seprated the oils and that's when the splashing started
right onto my hands.
oh 300 degrees
you hurteth.

Dear Lowes,
In spite of the spirit of Christmas
I want you to come out to my home immediately and fix the brand new dryer I bought that worked for 20 minutes and then promptly ceased to exist. I've been waiting for 15 days.

Patiently yours,
Jacqueline

ps I love you

One more thing, I haven't shared this blog with a lot of people that I know from back home- I've been afraid that they would think I'd get too psychadelic or religious with my writing. I've been afraid to share what is important to me because of rejection, or mockery, or simply because of what seems to be the "general" view on "mormonism". But I wanted to share one thing, since it's the christmas season and for me- there is so much joy in sharing anything and everything I've got, I would feel ashamed if I didn't at least post this- in the hope that it might do something for someone somewhere. I think for most of my life, I've ignored the idea that I could be a missionary without being set apart as one to my own friends. I have so many close friends who are looking for more in this world, for more in themselves, and I fear I haven't been much comfort or help to them. And if I have, I never gave a reason for it and today I'm going to. I was born into the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I grew up depending on it, and after a long time of trials and choices (some of them I'm not proud of) I know it, and believe it is the direct reason why I am able to cope with the growth that continues my way. I am so grateful for the direction, and PURPOSE this gospel has given me. Now, I'm not asking anyone to convert to the church, or feel pressure from my belief of any kind- in fact I'm asking the opposite. I just want to share what is important to me, and significant. Ignore my poor grammar, my flawed sentence structure, put away your pride and open your heart please. More than anything, especially in this time of the year, I am blessed beyond most to know the reason behind the LOVE that all mankind feels in this season. This quote discusses an important question: WHY are we here? Where do we come from? And where are we going? It was given in a speech by a good good man, even a great and noble man named Dieter F Uchtdorf. He said this;
" Think of the purest, most all consuming love you can imagine. Now multiply that love by an infinite amount- that is the measure of God's love for you.

God does not look on the outward appearance. I believe that He doesn't care one bit if we live in a castle or a cottage, if we are handsome or homely, if we are famous or forgotten. Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, God's love encompasses us completely.

He loves us, because He is filled with an infinite measure of holy, pure, and indescribable love. We are important to God not because of our resume but because we are His children. He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken. God's love is so great that He loves even the proud, the selfish, the arrogant, and the wicked.

What this means is that, regardless of our current state, there is hope for us. No matter our distress, no matter our sorrow, no matter our mistakes, our infinitely compassionate Heavenly Father desires that we draw near to Him so that He can draw near to us."

I think that is why at least I feel the way I do this time of the year. It is the time where most people in the world, no matter where they are from, or what they believe- accept that something great happened. Someone who changed each of us was born- and so we feel that thing, or that person, or that belief- come near to us and warm our hearts inside and outside. In spite of the cold weather.

The Answer

The trays go round
the room and
with the exception
of a baby's cry
and the usual
shuffle of comfort
or lack thereof
it is silent.
In the midst of
all this
my mind catches a
muffled
question.
the small girl
in front of me,
slipping on her
dress in earnest
replies

"Because I love you"

I soon realize this
reason is the
answer to
everything
in my
heart.

Cupcake garland (more like cutecake garland)

I found this on a super oober cute website for weddings but since it is the holiday season I thought if you wanted to improvise you could make a really really fantastic decoration for your home!
It is a cupcake liner garland!

Tools & Materials:

Vintage fabric (or any sort of course)

Craft & white cupcake liners. The white liners were tea dyed to soften the color a bit.

Heavy duty threading needle

Twine

Ribbon

Glue gun

How to:

If you’re going to tea dye your liners you’ll need to do that first and let them dry completely.

While they’re drying, cut your fabric and tulle into rounds using a cupcake liner as a guide. Lay out all of your liners and fabric rounds so you can arrange them in a stack in the order you like. The rest is pretty straightforward. Take a small stack and just thread your needle through the center of each piece.

Once you’ve got about 1/3 of your liners strung, space them out a bit so they’re as loose or tight as you want your garland to be. Then use your glue gun to attach some of the liners to the thread. This way you can control the spacing of your liners on the garland. You’ll need to let the glue dry before you continue, but luckily hot glue dries super fast. Then repeat the process until your garland is full. Finally, finish off each end of the garland with little bits of ribbon or lace.

ps another cute thing to do is for your CHRISTMAS TREE you can buy MINI cupcake liners and do a smaller garland for the tree

pps im also doing rolos threaded through silver string to traipse along the branches of my charlie brown tree.!

IT WORKS

Last night two old women came into the store trying on every lotion imaginable. I think they had to each wash their hands and arms 4 or 5 times to get all the... sludgley smells off. (BLECHGKLJ!) The moral of that comment is never put on more than one signature collection lotion from bath and body works. ever.

BUT the moral of this blog is a little different.

When they came up to the cashwrap I noticed that they were about the same age but one had absolutely no wrinkles, and the other was covered in them.

This was perplexing to me.

They started talking about it when the lady with the young face said this


"you know, I just came home from serving a mission with my husband in Mexico, I had a lady there who told me my face was getting old and that I needed to put (GET THIS) VASELINE on it daily."

(WHAT THE WHAT?)

So I kinda said that to her.

she said
" yeah, I wash my face at night, I put on a light moisturizer and then I dip my hands in a tub of vaseline and rub it onto my face (not too much)."

Then she made me feel her skin.
And then she left.
LADIES her face was the face of a 20 year old on a 50 year old's body!

WHAT THE
and vaseline is GROSS.
its GROSS
I don't even like putting it on my lips!
I put it on my feet when they get crackly.

SO
last night, in spite of the fact that

1. I have combination skin that is NEVER HAPPY
not with clinique, not with neutrogena, not with ANYTHING ever.
(esp. in utah and idaho's dry weather)

2. Vaseline is gross.

3. I had an interview today for a full time nanny position that I am really anxious about.

I PUT THAT VASELINE ON MY FACE.
I DID.


and do you know what happened?
ALL people from california are going to sigh with relief when they find out
that by putting a small amount of vaseline on your face

1. You create a californian air I guess,

2. You seal in the medicated face wash that you use

3. YOUR FACE WILL LOVE YOU.

4. It feels good when you wake up, your face is SOFT but NOT OILY AT ALL.

5. my pores... are smaller.

6. I love vaseline.


I am going to use this stuff forever.
and I think you should try it and let me know how it treats you so that I can WHOLEheartedly suggest it.
also, I think someone should get clever and start a company for face serums and we could just bottle vaseline in fancy cute tins.

kthnx.

someday on sunday

My ears were pointed towards the front of the room
and my heart was pinned to the deep
blue laughing eyes peering over the top of
your mother-shoulder.
In those single points
my eyes were opened to
all colors of emotion
happy, silly, sadness, and anguish
jealousy, bitterness,
and then again
joy for the life that is you.
I wonder at that endlessness.
Your life, first spoken loudly and declared
and then ebbed up and down until
you are barely heard.
Reduced to a wrinklier state of your beginnings.
You end.

"I don't send any money I DON'T PAY THE PLANE"

SO, my cousin referred me to this website called http://www.greataupair.com and it is AWESOME if you want to travel and nanny or be an au pair. Even though I am only looking for a job in the states I had four emails almost instantly from all over the earth wondering if I would be available next year, and sooner. My favorite was from a family called "We are family Giuseppina da Roma from Italy". I would be paid to live there and play in ROMA ITALY. HELLO? DOESN'T ANY ONE OF MY BEAUTIFUL FASHION FORWARD SINGLE FRIENDS WHO LOVE CHILDREN WANT TO DO THIS INSTEAD?
"You must speak English with children and me but, if you want , I learn you italian"


HELLO?
BONJOURNO?
LA VITA BELLA?

sorry, it's the states for me for now (more like the pits. ROME?! SRSLY?!)

SO
if you are wondering what on EARTH to do with your life
THIS IS IT.

of course there are extensive background checks/ references/ etc. to have done for the family to make sure they arent CR33PY.
but still.

love,
j

origami original

the picture you see below is a snippet from one of my very favorite designers of all time Leanne Marshall's spring 2010. My first experience with origami work in cloth was with my mother when she put together a silk pillowcase using the triangle technique seen here. Leanne was introduced to me by kirsten v. harris two years ago and watching her development as a designer has been a pleasure. You can see her old/new stuff here at LEANIMAL on etsy or view her website which is AMAZzzzingzingzing!
Check her out. Her cowling and draping techniques are unmatched.
Also, I need to get leggings that are solid and I'm having a tough time finding some... looks like its back to american apparel for me.
belghnc.

love,
j

whine blog strictly for lovers

okay, i love you but why on earth would you put on my best dish gloves, and then turn them inside out and leave them at the bottom of my sink?
i love you, but why would you take the strainer out of the sink so that my drain is now permanantly clogged with thanksgiving?
and gloves?


why would you do that?

clobbering cobbler.

If the only prayer you say in your life is “Thank you,” that would suffice. – Meister Eckhart, German theologian, (1260-1328)

here's the rest of it because some of it's private.

Brandon,
Megan told me about this motomail thing so I thought I'd give it a go- save on stamps and send packages instead. Although, I'm not quite sure what to send in a package yet. Don't worry, I'll get clever before you get home.
Will you marry me?

There is a certain star that hangs below the moon here. I know by now after years of visiting my grandfather in orem and him telling me over and over the name of the planet that shines so brightly in the sky just now that I should remember it's title. At this very moment that doesn't mean much.

Throughout history people have used the night sky for sentiment. Found solace in the stars. That small star, trying so hard to be bigger- mimicking the moon.
It's not the name of the planet, or the star or the sky in which it rests
tonight it is you.
You're not a planet. or a star or the moon

You're the mystery that surrounds the sky
the deepest hope of more.

During the day the sky plays a lighter role
literally and figuritively.
It hovers silently, blue and happy, uninterfering
unobtrusive
lovely and cool.

It's that knight

that brings the dark, brooding corners of the human soul and paints it onto a still canvas.

It is so beautiful.

I wonder at that bright spot
how it hangs there,
happily in the middle of the darkness.

I see you. Do you see me too?

This evening I went to a play with Megan and Mom and Skylie.
Sky can't say my name confidently yet
I disappear before she can learn properly.
Jacrin. Is as close to a solid person I'll be in her voice but in her mind I like to imagine I am a more sure concept.
She crawled happily into my lap and sat politely clapping through the play.
We giggled and whispered and I felt the most honest raw longing for a child of my own.
It was a musical- Aida.
eye ee duh.
I'm glad you weren't here I don't know if you would have liked it and I told Elaine you would before I had seen it.
The play is a musical by Elton John and if that says anything seeing it would etch into your brain the fact that I think Elton had a lot he wanted to say to his father and simply supressed it.
So he made a play out of it instead.
It's a love triangle.
I didn't like it much but it was nice of your mum to invite us.
Megan and Sky left early, she kept rubbing her ears and when it became past bedtime megan took her out and skylie promptly threw up.
Poor thing.
I was happy to leave soon after
so I don't know how the play ends.

Does that say something about my character?
If things get boring or hard or unrelative will I leave?

Only if the main character in my life (you) becomes a tall redhead with a mohawk and leather pants with no shirt and a vest with gold see quens.

Please don't ever do that.

You're mom takes such good care of me,
I'm still sick but well enough to go out a little and I went to family dinner yesterday
she made corned beef and soup and I made cornbread
and it was just me and your parents
we talked and laughed for a long time
and your father told the bear story again.
Which I have a better appreciation for now that I KNOW what he is talking about.

There isnt a limit to the things I can type write? I'm not wasting the small paper supply of afghanistan?
I hope not.

By the time dinner was done I looked out the window and there was four inches of solid snow outside.
Your parents followed me down the canyon to make sure I got out alright
it was terrifying.

But the rabbit made it.

One important thing I learned this week was that God has a sense of humor.
I want to tell you before your mother does because megan told her about this moto mail thing today too.

I went to church on sunday and I was sitting in the beginning of the gym when a couple walked in and I thought to myself " what a good looking couple." "why do they look so familiar?"
Brandon,
(use your imagination)________and her husband sat down two rows in front of me and they are in our ward.
My relief society president pulled me up to introduce me and I think ______'s head just about snapped off looking round at me.
poor thing.
My mom gave me the best advice because I was hyperventillating- thinking what do i do? what would brandon do? what would jesus do?
She said the just be gracious. Be a lady and don't talk to anyone about it.
And that made me think of Grace and then I was OK.
I wish I could be ignorant.
But I think the best thing I can do is just ignore it until I have to meet her.
There's a part of me that needs so badly to grow up and cope with the fact that she is beautiful and kind and a person like me.
I think god knows that
so he did this.
so that I could know.

The dryer still isnt working but I dont care,
I lay the laundry out in the livingroom and while I clean the floors I sing until it's all dry.
the house looks better and better and I am so grateful for it.
For you
for humor and for home.
For that sky up there.
And again, to you out there.

I love you so much.
-your missing peace

fine and mellow

today I woke up beautifully.
There wasn't a war with my eyelids,
or a disagreement with the time.

My phone was ringing,
is it rude to ignore your telephone if you are asleep?

Someone needs to update me on that etiquette.

I opened my front door,
the way usually my day begins to roll on its own is when I open that door.

If I don't want anything to happen, I can stay inside always.
Well,
not anymore now that I have work.

But you get the gist.

I had a letter
from Triwest.
our Insurance
from the military
supposedly the best insurance in the earth.

It's the best insurance,
if you make sure you are GETTING it.

Essentially I live on the telephone with them to insure
for my own insurance
that my health is being PAID for like they said it would.

Enclosed was
the most ridiculous bill I have ever seen.

I'm not sure what it means.
It says
THIS IS NOT A BILL

and then says that
for my blood work
Lab Corp of America Billed Tricare
EIGHT HUNDRED AND TWO DOLLARS.

$802.00

then, next to it it says
TRICARE ALLOWED

ONE HUNDRED AND FOURTY FOUR DOLLARS AND TWO CENTS.

$144.02
(not sure what the two sense is for)

so,
in normal terms that would mean,
who is paying for the...
$657.98
that remains?

Then on the back it says
owed by you: $0.00

?
what the
what?

Can insurance companies just be like
I know you WANT me to pay that 802 fee
but I only feel like allowing myself to pay you
ohhhhh
144.02

WHAT?

On another happy rambling rant

if you care to continue with me

I went to Victoria Secret today to get my old roommate some cute stuff for her wedded life.

I was just helping myself to things
and this sales associate
ASSociate.
FOLLOWED ME AROUND THE ENTIRE STORE AND WOULD NOT LEAVE ME ALONE
Forgive me if I say you are trying to hard.
She talked to me for fifteen minutes while I went and got the things I wanted/ needed
and went up to the registrar
still
still
trying to make me get an angels credit card
with 400 dollar coupons
(not)
NO ANNUAL FEES
she heckles
Let me tell you I wanted to turn to the woman,
and pull her little head off
and hand it to her
and say

Please stop.
This is an underwear store.

PEOPLE WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE.

I don't care what you think is cute
or essential
or a MUST buy.
SERIOUSLY
THIS IS THE BEST DEAL

Lady,
I don't want anything that has to do with you.
I don't want you to have anything to do with my underwear.
Or my roommate's underwear.

Please.

You can imagine.
I went home

and I shut the front door.

I'm not coming out for the rest of today.
except maybe to go to kirsten's.
For holy fashion sanctuary.

we're ready for takeoff

I would just like to tell the blogging world, that I made my very very best effort in creating a crafty, beautiful blog by re-coding my html with a new font called purple boxers.
And I would just like to tell you how very, very much that effort failed.

Changing something using a program you know nothing about
= slow slow blog
=no bueno.
so
folks,
for your convenience
and so that my computer doesn't sound like an airplane taking off every time I go to load my own blog page
no fancy shmancy.

Also, of note is that today was my first day of working for Limited Brands company Bath and Body works.
This job rules.

Basically I get to go around a big store filled with pretty bottles and sweet smelly scrubs and lotions and all sorts of beauty potions
and try them all
and fill the shelves
and talk to pretty bubbly sales associates
with rocks on their hands bigger than my head.

Not only do I get oodles of free gifts and samples and love and a cute apron
today
I was lucky enough to be placed in the store that won some competition for selling the most home fragrances in america.
thank you provo/orem houswives.

SO
today,
on my first shift
I got to meet and greet a famous (pseudo famous) home shopping network fragrance expertttt named Harry
who was FABULOUS
using his words :
superlux

which is the BEST new word ever.
ever.

and meet a bunch of important people who own the company and are in charge of the region etc. etc.
they were all charming and dressed
to the tens
not the nines
the tens.

I felt like a country bumpkin.
in my urban outfitters peter pan white shirt, AA cardigan and black tapered trousers.
IN MY URBAN OUTFITTERS PETER PAN WHITE SHIRT AA CARDIGAN AND BLACK TAPERED TROUSERS.
WITH FRYE LEATHER WHITE FLATS.
okay read that twice.

what is eight times seven?
well, anyways I get to work 18 hours next week and it is going to be superlux.

Brandon I miss you so much that it aches.

But at least the cold is waning.
my ears are not waxing
the moon, I haven't seen for a while
but on the drive home I saw a shooting star.
Just looking up in orem youtah.

And I know you are thinking of me too.

love,
jacqueline

so this is love, hmmmmm so this is ro love.

THESE are ROLO cookies.
Every time I eat a rolo i think to myself, this would be better all meltery and goo ery and yumm.

well folks,
my wish come true
and I'm sharing it with you.


TO MAKE ME:
A box of chocolate cake mix
(use betty crocker triple choco fudge for best results but really any choc cake mix will do just fine)
2 EGGS (oeuffs)
1/3 Cup of vegie oil
one bag of rolos.

DON'T follow the instructiones on the cake box
ignore it
just mix all these things together (minus the rolies)
and then take the dough and wrap it around a rolo, shape it into a delicious confectionary concoction shape (round)
put it on a pan
bake it at 350 F for 8 minutes.


whalah.

pee ess
I haven't tried these yet cause i've been sick but let me know how they taste.

tis the season

who knows where noses goes when they are running away from their homeses?

i have a running knows.

who loves the sun

This morning I woke up and opened my front door to snow all about my porch.

I was so delighted that I laughed and sang all the way to training for work today.

and then the cramps began.

So I went home and crawled into bed after nearly five hours of watching a bath and body works sales video,

intent on sleep and gunning for dreams of brandon
and then my phone rang

and it was brandon!

He sounded sort of sheepish for calling and telling me on sunday for two minutes that he wouldn't talk to me for two months
his recon assignment was just to go thirty miles south of his original camp and stay there.
So today they brought out a satellite phone to the men and said you get a half an hour each.

It was heavenly.

I am going to watch up for the third time
and read some dickens.

love,
jacqueline

love is no big truth

Brother Keller,
It took a flag waving at me that someone in the middle of early morning on my block had placed in my front yard for veteran's day to remind me to write you. Of course that proud, stout beautiful thing standing in my lawn can't replace the loving arms that I have been parted from. As it stood, I sat down on my front porch and cried like a child.

The first call Brandon was able to make from out of the country was in a small telephone booth in Romania. I couldn't hear him very well and could hear the echo of my own words too loudly. We had fifteen minutes to figure out the delay, make small talk and then openly declare with the timer running out that we love--- and then the phone died.
There was one other element to the conversation that existed and until I opened the door yesterday to mail a letter to Afghanistan that probably wont see him for four months, I had forgotten. Brandon said this to me;

Please, will you get on my computer and log into my byu email and write Brother Keller back? Will you tell him that the internet isn't functioning and that I am safe?

Again, my husband astounded me with his love and relations with the people around him.

My character is more reserved, I have an acute fear of social interactions, mainly in groups. I've always been this way, and in many aspects it is what kept me from being at least approachable to Brandon for three years.

In many ways, he tells me that it is this war that has brought us together.

He says that it has given him courage to be with someone like me.
I am still discovering who someone like me is and my mind revolts against the possibility that my life will be anything without his.

This war has brought us together.

This is something that I understand, but I don't feel it in my heart yet. The days are long and the nights are longer and I wonder selfishly if this conflict in another world from ours is worth a man like Brandon's life.

It must be.

And each day I fight the battle of thought here, of accepting the choice of someone I love more than I care for myself.


Sir, I can't tell you if he is always going to be safe, but I want to tell you that he is doing his best. I want to thank you for always offering your kindness and knowledge to his insatiable mind and heart.

I know it is because of people he knows like you
that he will come home.

Fondly, sincerely, with regard and sickly-grammar, fragment sentences and small paragraphs,

Jacqueline Junelle Cochran


pee ess
Brandon contacted me two days ago for two minutes. His news was that he has arrived in afghanistan to his camp called COP PAYNE (sounds painful). Except that he was leaving immediately with his platoon to go south (which, I know he wasn't supposed to tell me, but he did.) for two months on a recon. assignment. Don't worry, he has three seabags and almost half of one is filled with a myriad of books on poetry, sentence structure and a latin english dictionary he conned me into buying him with kisses and promises of a new language. Also, before he left we celebrated christmas. I got him a Kindle device and uploaded 110 books and works onto it. I just finished Jane Eyre so I recommended that to him. Hopefully he will have a head full of Eyre more than a mind full of fighting. I'll let you know when I hear from him again if you would like.

is it thirty minutes yet?

is it really going to take thirty more minutes until i can watch sabrina? curse downloading things LEGALLY! bittorrents ruin your computer but at l east they dont waaste your life.

just kidding
so
im on this instead.
hah!
irony?

little shop of horrors was
horrific.
well, to
a horticulturist.

but it was enjoyable.

thank you
j

land

There is something refreshing about the landscape, rolling over to reveal new patterns of crops in the quilt that keeps the earth warm. The sky outside trickles grey into the green and the floors are wonderful cold wood. Each step of the children between stories is a story of creeks and cracks, pittering pats and laughs. The trees outside peer in enviously dripping.

wow

http://projects.nytimes.com/held-by-the-taliban/#intro

they all laughed

my kidneys are complaining

okay, i think i can write a blog without throwing up all over my computer. if i type it faster than twenty minutes. (im getting better, cross my heart and stomach)
can someone scientifically prove that ginger ale is good for a sick tummy?
please?

megan said "perhaps its morning sickness"
and i said
"if this is morning sickness, i am going to kill myself."

k
back to making love to the toilet.
im sad this was supposed to be longer....

ps brandon im sorry i havent written- but ive been losing weight?

love,
jacquelineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

photographeeh

all these pictures are brought to you by the wonderful, talented, beautiful jenica.
please advise
love,
j

A tree grows

“Dear God, let me be something every minute of every hour of my life. Let me be gay; let me be sad. Let me be cold; let me be warm. Let me be hungry...have too much to eat. Let me be ragged or well dressed. Let me be sincere -- be deceitful. Let me be truthful; let me be a liar. Let me be honorable and let me sin. Only let me be something every blessed minute. And when I sleep, let me dream all the time so that not one little piece of living is ever lost.”

--A Tree Grows In Brooklyn

today

ARRRGHH BLAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! AND ALL OTHER NONSENSE

knews

i stayed away from the news until it was old and

then i knew
nothing at all.

my husband a biography tall (not short) by Jacqueline Cochran

How can you write a life in five sentences? You cannot. You cannot tell of the strength of a characters' mind, body, and heart in such limited allotment. You may not pen loyalty, courage, and creativity, one must experience him. But if one had to write of another she would write certainly of his singularly sober mind, his intuitive (insatiable) intellect, and his gentle love which confounds her complete knowledge of him entirely.

the ease of the word hot

and boy, they weren't kidding when they advertised those sausages as hot and spicy hot links.

chop your pork before you cut it

the worst is when you go to cut into your delicious smoldering hot pork chop and the best portion of the pork chop fat falls off to the side. defeated and fried.

still life

You don't need to leave your room.
Remain sitting at your table and listen.

Don't even listen, simply wait.
Don't even wait.

Be quite still and solitary.
The world will freely offer itself to you.
To be unmasked,
it has no choice.

It will roll in ecstasy at your feet.
-Franz Kafka

this is how green smells

I think

honestly of all seasons

climates

and weathers

my disposition is readily inclined towards winter.

But

I must admit

there is something about an indian summer evening

that takes all my reasons

and replaces them with

a romanticism

that never dies.

For me I

don't knowtice until

the end of summer

usually the moon shining through

the deep darkness

enveloping an attitude that

only shakespeare could write about.

or whoever he was.

Adding a new element of light absent in

all human perspective.

If you inhale that moonlight

pull it into your throat and down to your bones

right before you get the hiccups

and hold it there

you would come to know

the most delicious green.

truly there cannot be an apter description

of the cool mix of vegetation

seeping in an early dew

marinating the dirt.

The smell the leaves give you before

they leave you.

The sense

you feel first.

It rushes at you

and then calms you shortly enough in the spot between breathing and taking your breath

away

you identify it.

its a summer night

when you lie on the ground and lose your innocence.

when you see the stars

I say see the stars

because I can only be telling of that exact moment

in a child's life when they realize how small they

really are.

But also how great they can be.

The smell of

strange walks

or

two lovers

laughing

quietly in the tall grass.

When I say laughing I mean of course

sharing that

kiss in the dark

that you can smell for the rest of your life.

the kiss that each kiss after rests upon.

It is the sound of

familiar and fearless

frogs

tempered with the silence

and mystery of

the quiet hunter.

And tonight

it is the knowledge

of you.

That when the winter melts away

and the green things come out again

you will

come

home.

just in time for the cold.

for me.

I love you

all

ways.

Words are endless worlds

I recently rediscovered my almost unhealthy thirst for reading.

The only non reading thing I could compare it to is the loyalty and addiction some people have for Diet Coke.

Sadly I have no appetite for sugarful calorie-less carbon juice that festers in your tooth enamel.

I just finished The Guernsey Literary and Potatoe Peel Society

it is the first time in a long time where the words on the page flew right into my mind and captured my imagination.

I was pulled through the pages in a day and a half.

The writing itself reminds me vaguely of my mother in law Elaine's penmanship.

It has this sincere extension of self that is endless.

There isn't much more I can write today

except for that I went to the doctor, it's been really hard to just explain what I need without getting emotional and upset every time.

The worst part of all is that I'm a pretty private person (that's why I have a blog where I can write things and not think about them ever again), and having to tell every single person in the doctor's office so that I can GET to a doctor has been really discouraging and makes me feel like I'm in front of a large crowd completely naked and shaking. It's embarrassing and humbling to know how raw my emotions are.

I've really got to get a hold of myself.

Which is where the books come in.

When I was younger I had a really tough time being social in large groups (I still do) I struggle between trying to blend, and trying to stand.

So, instead of choosing either

I would disappear

in the pages of any novel I could get my hands on.

I read every single nancy drew that was ever published, it got to the point where I could read one in an hour.

I went through the works and the glory in three weeks in fifth grade

and then I moved on to classics- which baffled me entirely.

Mrs. De Winter, Jane Austen, The Bronte sisters.

Ralph Ellison, Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass, Lust for Life,

William Faulkner, Grimm's Fairy Tales, J.M. Barrie, even shakespeare began to ebb into my hands on the bus

in the hallways

at the lunch tables

under my desks.

I never fit into any real world

but every time I opened a book

another one poured out into my heart and

I felt so free like I belonged without even trying.

A free social network.

Of course, reality will catch up to you

Even e harmony costs something.

This world cost me

probably a lot of friendships.

The unknown of a page would never affect me the way

the real unknowns of my own life would.

The things I came to admire and love in characters of the novels I read

were my real disability.

It was my advantage intellectually, but socially- my fall.

Finally I had a counselor in high school take my book from me at lunch.

"You must socialize with others" she snipped,

I was horrified.

And from that time on I shunned books unless I had to read them,

and stepped off into the uncertain cruelties of this world.

I let go of the book.

I think it is safe to say the book had a better end of it, letting me go.

I met both happy times and sad ones, but most of all I lived.

The book stayed alive right next to me, waiting.

I have to say,

my happy reunion in reading

must be carefully watched

because too soon I am afraid

now

that my life I've had to work myself for in truth and reality

might dissipate

amongst the pages

once more.

Nobody loves olives

When I say nobody loves olives
I'm talking about me.
Why do they put olives in all my favorite salads?
Why?

I don't know but I definately would pay big money to do a survey to see how many people really LOVE olives.
Besides chad's mom.
Because she doesn't count.
Also my concept of the celestial kingdom has changed

I think now instead of malts and pasta and other foods
it will just be oat blueberry bars.

Forever.
Like the song I always sing to you when you and I disagree.
just to remind you that we have FOREVER together.

I don't think Im going to make it to the pool today...
for these reasons
1. I have my mother Elaine searching for homes for me up in youtah and she is like a bounty hunter for housing. I wonder if there is an actual term for that... or at least a job because she seriously should do that.

2. After this oat bar I am going to be a big fat float bloated person in the pool-ar.
IS THERE A REASON WHY THE WORD OAT IS IN THE WORDS FLOAT, BLOAT, COAT AND OTHER FAT LIKE DESCRIPTIONS?!

3. The to do list is too long to think about getting to "tan" which is at the bottom...(where I never tan. on my bottom)

I don't really have any other reasons. and I'm writing a blog about it so that surely says "I have time but I use it very poorly"

Writing a blog wasn't on the list
but it helps my mind deconstipate itself.
if that word even exsists.
ITS A MENTAL LAXATIVE
there we go.

anywho hum
tee dum tee dum

I am so excited to move to UT
Ill be surrounded by amazing people
who love and support me (and brandon)
and a lot of really cool old friends who are FEMALE
(MIRACLE)
and who wont be weirded out by me being married.
I described married life I think most aptly to my friend Andy when I wrote

"oh hai im just some married lady now that society doesnt know how to respond to (hint: be humane.) although i get everything i want if i yell and scream and wave my ring importantly in front of people's faces.just kidding but one time i almost wanted to.also im just some married lady who is moving to provo and desperately needs friends.with good tastes and ...good head on top of... shouldersand not cold ones eitheror dandruffy ones.i like that word.and i need a house.hulp.which is gulp and help.man it is so late andzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzadsffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff "

NO COOKIES?!

I think,
of all the alerts to pop up on a computer
the worst
by far
is the one that tells you that your browser's cookies are disabled

that you have no cookies.

cruel
cold
technology.

so today I lashed back by jumping up going to the kitchen pulling out the oatmeal chocolate chip cookie and munching obnoxiously in front of my screen.

now I has crumbz all over.
but it was so so satisfying.

Because I had to

Pee ess.
I needed to finish the last blog with a not so angry sad bitter entry
about how much I love my husband
he puts up with all my crazy shananigans.
We have so much fun together!
My life is better because of you sugarlips.
(Apparently tastier too)
I can't wait until you come home and remind me
of how I
am the luckiest woman alive.
You are my missing peace.

a fish swims upstream to mate; aka if you've ever had your heart broked. or broken a heart. keep figurativly swimming.

It is .
so late.
my back
is
irritate
ed.
Thats all the clever bones I have today.
But
My mom had a lot of good ones
Sometimes other people look at me and say- you know you aren't the only one with problems.
And for a long time I didn't believe them (i.e. teenage years until I was.... eighteen- pathetic and self centered)
But now I completely agree
with the exception that I think most people view their inner conflicts on a one to three problem at a time scale
and my view on the inside
is 3d4d5d 6d
its like looking through the eyes of a fly
you see everything in different windows
thousands at a time.
Multiplied spheres.

I'm not saying that other people don't view life that way.
But I'd be hard pressed to find one.
At least one who isn't mentally insane or has mulitple personalities.

I just spelled multiple wrong.

So mom said
to my problems
first of all it was late and its getting later because I tried to take her advice and now I don't know how to function/ unplug.

She said
you should try just disconnecting from everything,
focus on one thing that drowns out everything else
listen to music,
go exercise
etc.

and maybe that didnt work out so good this first time because I think my body functions on... exhausting itself mentally
daily.
so if I turn that off I just have no idea what to do and keep going and going and going...
I've listened to...
more songs that I even knew I had on my ipod.

BUT
what I really wanted to write down was what she said after that
she said
" sometimes the most you can do is just accept what is, and move on."
I think most people don't think of accepting something as an action
but really it is.

example
One time, I loved somebody.
I loved being with somebody, and somebody loved being with me
and we had fun and adventures and me and somebody ate together and played with our families and then I decided that somebody wasn't THE somebody for me.
I decided that I needed to let that somebody go so that they could find THEIR THE somebody who was waiting for them somewhere.
I felt that even though somebody cried and whined and was really truly sad
that I couldn't just stick around and give somebody what they needed and deny myself the same things.
I knew that would be a life lived in a lie.

SO
I left somebody.
It was a really bad time in my life.
I was having huge abusive conflicts at work physical and mental.
So this affected my relationship (even then as it became a friendship, which was still more than I could handle- I didn't want to leave my own HOUSE- ever.) with somebody.

I realized that I couldn't be friends with that somebody because I knew that as long as I stayed around, that person would never leave.
They would use the term friend and get whatever they wanted anyways.
What they thought they needed.
What they "couldn't live without"
what they wouldnt.
live without.
And I think what they still won't live without.
I knew I could be guilted into living a lie for someone else.
For the ease of being loved,

which isn't what love is really about now is it folks.





so
I moved to another state.
Just me.
Instead of giving the somebody what they wanted,
what they felt they needed
I left.
To find what I needed again.
To set myself straight. To find truth and sense and feeling again.

I can't tell you how much guilt and sadness I felt at knowing the hurt I was causing this somebody who I had loved so much to have.

But I knew
just like a mother knows
when a baby cries
not to always give it ANYTHING IT WANTS

that leaving was just a good thing in the end for the somebody.
Even if they didn't know it yet.

I still think about that somebody.
I still feel bad because
they haven't moved on.
All of their pain and hurt and anger
is still
on me
because
to them
I will always be the person who broke their heart.

They choose to make me
their failure.

Even if that wasn't their intention
or the plan at all.



But you know something
I could
never
EVER
ever
be with someone who cant MAN THE FREAK UP
put the pieces back together
stop trying to keep me in your life even if it is only just to be angry at me
and move on to find somebody.
BE HAPPY
KNOW THAT YOU CAN BE HAPPY
please know that.

If you're reading this,
you somebody
you succeeded.
Your family's letters
about how I ruined your life
made me feel...

I still feel for you
but not anything of the love I had
just
sad.

I feel sad for you.

So if you really love someone- be happy for them when they are happy. Even if it hurts like hell.


If that isn't deep I don't know what is.
I look back on all the heartbreak I had
all the people that I put
everything
out there
for
people I bore my soul completely to
people I wasn't afraid to be me with
people that moved on
and I know it was for the best
I swam through it
to find myself
and to find someone who could love me entirely
who I could love back
in TRUTH.

And
to that somebody
who is out there
I still hope for the best for you.
Even if you write cruel things to me
blaming your life
on me.
I think my mothers words apply to you.
And to me too.

accept what is
in doing so you will accept what can be.



sometimes that is the most you can DO
and move on to something better
or someone
better
for you.

All of my love,
frustration
and late night emotions,
j

[for CCB and family]

THIS IS THE GREATEST THING SINCE SLICED CHEESE

http://cuteoverload.com/page/2/

just amazingly cute things

AND

http://www.thispeanutlookslikeaduck.com/quack/

things shaped like a duck.

Scarlett is a babe- and is also a color.

I Don't Know What To Do - Pete Yorn & Scarlett Johansson | Music Upload

if you liek this then get the song relator from their new album
the rest is kinda ifihhrgythsish. for me at least.

the best part about this is that i dont even like scarlett because she's a star. i just like her voice.

Butter makes the world go round- in the obese way.

im back im back! im glen bbeck!
doesn't anyone else think the words "salted sweet cream" sound intensely delicious?

well,
it's butter.
it might also be the rumblings of a baby speaking.
but it is too soon to tell and after the last sad loss
I am almost afraid to know.

There are three drinks sitting next to me
orange juice, water, and milk.
I hate drinking liquids
so I don't know why they are there.
And nowadays it seems like everything juiced (pun) goes right through me.
sadly
tonight is pecan pie too.

morning isn't so bad
its the evenings that really get me.
You know that popular and stupid song
about being on the boat?
Well,
I'm on it.

I run into things more than usual
and I can't blame it on things running into me.
As if I could run.

I spend the days in the pool
trying to remember water aerobics class exercises
and studying the ever fascinating world of nature around me.

Tonight is relief society night.
So I am celebrating with mac n cheese.
which I love.
cRazy BuGz
<3
there is one thing in life youcan ALWAYS count on

well two

1. crazy bug mac n cheese
2. the lord

and I love them both.

I got a letter in the mail from you today
it had some interesting drawings
one you called your special special
which really was amockery of another person's special special who will not be named who you took great delight in throwing into the brookside dumpster

it looked like a drawing of glen beck as a child
or just a really really happy fat person.

please place the title of this blog here

and take the pecan pie out of theoven

love
j

so tr-you

a softer world

important product placement

just have to support my peeps down at the boogie wipes factory.

Yesterday I was laying out by the pool waiting for andrew to come over so that we could go take pictures (only one of which was fbook worthy- the rest are sosososo gorgeous thank youso much)
And The ropes from my wedding are still hanging up in the back yard
a bird came and sat on one and I could only see it by looking through the pool fence
which looked like jail bars
black and square.

The thought came to me
whoever invented the term "free as a bird"
never owned a cockatoo.
or whatever those birds are.

and I thought
man,
if A was here right now
this would be the perfect shot.
A free bird
who didn't even know
it was
stuck in a perspective cage.

when it flew away I realized that I was the one inside the bars.
Maybe it sat there so long and stared at me
thinking
whoever invented the term free as a human
has never seen one in hello kitty underpants
trying to tan inside the fence of
the little pool here.

(forgive the underpant comment but it's too true because I left all of my swimsuits in sundance. go figure)

j

an anthropologists apologies

I apologize for myboring and weak writing.
Everything I have
is going into envelopes,
traveling across the state
and into the desert
out to the dust-ridden
sweaty hands
of the man I love.

god loves broken things

"It is difficult for a woman to define her feelings in language which is chiefly made by men to express theirs." Thomas Hardy

hi, ive married blog.

this doesnt mean im dead to you all, or dead to individualism.
or dead at all.

words never die.
so
if you want to read more
you can visit my blog to brandon while he is away
at
http://cubadivin.blogspot.com

there might be a g at the end of diving

there might not

but its late
and
im deilsjelexcksick.

loeloveloveliovjaewkrnvev
j

Playdough

Only the dead have seen the end of war.
-Plato

30 Rock

LIVE EVERY WEEK, LIKE IT'S SHARK WEEK.

Ruth Orkin's “American Girl in Italy, 1951

Poetry of Edna St. Vincent Millay

Ashes of Life

Love has gone and left me and the days are all alike;
Eat I must, and sleep I will, -- and would that night were here!
But ah! -- to lie awake and hear the slow hours strike!
Would that it were day again! -- with twilight near!

Love has gone and left me and I don't know what to do;
This or that or what you will is all the same to me;
But all the things that I begin I leave before I'm through, --
There's little use in anything as far as I can see.

Love has gone and left me, -- and the neighbors knock and borrow,
And life goes on forever like the gnawing of a mouse, --
And to-morrow and to-morrow and to-morrow and to-morrow
There's this little street and this little house.

i used to be interesting.

about

An irrational love for:

alliteration, anything fondue, artistic sensibilities, beautiful losers, baking, banksy brilliance, bookstores, bric-a-brac, calligraphy, child opinion, cultures, clutter, citrus smells, chai, cheap thrills, dancing, dr. seuss, drapes, edamame, flours, family, graffiti, grapefruit anythings, google-ee eyes, hazelnut, heated floors and seats, high pressure shower heads, ice cream mochi, illusions, kozyndan bunnies, lemon cake and fresh bloo berries, libraries, lipsyncers, letters, mist, music, messes, mysteries, nurseries, notebooks and journals, observing, old news, passionfruit frosting, peppermint tea, personalities, pillows, pocky, polaroid cameras, pomegranates, poetry, riddles, rings, ripe figs, roald dahl, soup dumplings, spontaneous rain, scary movies, studio ghibli, subway mosaics, specifically sunflowers, stationary, sushi in any shape or form, teal box, thrift shops, telephone cords and booths, trampolines, turner classic movies, typography, wallpaper,

words.

Abby talk

I am so excited to have nieces and nephews. It is the best.
These are some recent phrases from one sweet little bombshell blond in the family, Abby.


"When I was a little gore (girl)......"

"When I was a dragon......"

"Hmm, I am really tired."

In her attempts to get a toy out from under the chair:

"I could really use some help down here."

"D starts with Duck."


I am still laughing about these.

When you come ho me you.

“I left the woods for as good a reason as I went there. Perhaps it seemed to me that I had several more lives to live, and could not spare any more time for that one. It is remarkable how easily and insensibly we fall into a particular route, and make a beaten track for ourselves."

-Henry David Thoreau

August twenty the seventh nine of the two thousand ish

Sounds of laughter shades of life are ringing through my open ears exciting and inviting me . Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns . It calls me on and on across the universe.

You smell fowl.