a fish swims upstream to mate; aka if you've ever had your heart broked. or broken a heart. keep figurativly swimming.

It is .
so late.
my back
is
irritate
ed.
Thats all the clever bones I have today.
But
My mom had a lot of good ones
Sometimes other people look at me and say- you know you aren't the only one with problems.
And for a long time I didn't believe them (i.e. teenage years until I was.... eighteen- pathetic and self centered)
But now I completely agree
with the exception that I think most people view their inner conflicts on a one to three problem at a time scale
and my view on the inside
is 3d4d5d 6d
its like looking through the eyes of a fly
you see everything in different windows
thousands at a time.
Multiplied spheres.

I'm not saying that other people don't view life that way.
But I'd be hard pressed to find one.
At least one who isn't mentally insane or has mulitple personalities.

I just spelled multiple wrong.

So mom said
to my problems
first of all it was late and its getting later because I tried to take her advice and now I don't know how to function/ unplug.

She said
you should try just disconnecting from everything,
focus on one thing that drowns out everything else
listen to music,
go exercise
etc.

and maybe that didnt work out so good this first time because I think my body functions on... exhausting itself mentally
daily.
so if I turn that off I just have no idea what to do and keep going and going and going...
I've listened to...
more songs that I even knew I had on my ipod.

BUT
what I really wanted to write down was what she said after that
she said
" sometimes the most you can do is just accept what is, and move on."
I think most people don't think of accepting something as an action
but really it is.

example
One time, I loved somebody.
I loved being with somebody, and somebody loved being with me
and we had fun and adventures and me and somebody ate together and played with our families and then I decided that somebody wasn't THE somebody for me.
I decided that I needed to let that somebody go so that they could find THEIR THE somebody who was waiting for them somewhere.
I felt that even though somebody cried and whined and was really truly sad
that I couldn't just stick around and give somebody what they needed and deny myself the same things.
I knew that would be a life lived in a lie.

SO
I left somebody.
It was a really bad time in my life.
I was having huge abusive conflicts at work physical and mental.
So this affected my relationship (even then as it became a friendship, which was still more than I could handle- I didn't want to leave my own HOUSE- ever.) with somebody.

I realized that I couldn't be friends with that somebody because I knew that as long as I stayed around, that person would never leave.
They would use the term friend and get whatever they wanted anyways.
What they thought they needed.
What they "couldn't live without"
what they wouldnt.
live without.
And I think what they still won't live without.
I knew I could be guilted into living a lie for someone else.
For the ease of being loved,

which isn't what love is really about now is it folks.





so
I moved to another state.
Just me.
Instead of giving the somebody what they wanted,
what they felt they needed
I left.
To find what I needed again.
To set myself straight. To find truth and sense and feeling again.

I can't tell you how much guilt and sadness I felt at knowing the hurt I was causing this somebody who I had loved so much to have.

But I knew
just like a mother knows
when a baby cries
not to always give it ANYTHING IT WANTS

that leaving was just a good thing in the end for the somebody.
Even if they didn't know it yet.

I still think about that somebody.
I still feel bad because
they haven't moved on.
All of their pain and hurt and anger
is still
on me
because
to them
I will always be the person who broke their heart.

They choose to make me
their failure.

Even if that wasn't their intention
or the plan at all.



But you know something
I could
never
EVER
ever
be with someone who cant MAN THE FREAK UP
put the pieces back together
stop trying to keep me in your life even if it is only just to be angry at me
and move on to find somebody.
BE HAPPY
KNOW THAT YOU CAN BE HAPPY
please know that.

If you're reading this,
you somebody
you succeeded.
Your family's letters
about how I ruined your life
made me feel...

I still feel for you
but not anything of the love I had
just
sad.

I feel sad for you.

So if you really love someone- be happy for them when they are happy. Even if it hurts like hell.


If that isn't deep I don't know what is.
I look back on all the heartbreak I had
all the people that I put
everything
out there
for
people I bore my soul completely to
people I wasn't afraid to be me with
people that moved on
and I know it was for the best
I swam through it
to find myself
and to find someone who could love me entirely
who I could love back
in TRUTH.

And
to that somebody
who is out there
I still hope for the best for you.
Even if you write cruel things to me
blaming your life
on me.
I think my mothers words apply to you.
And to me too.

accept what is
in doing so you will accept what can be.



sometimes that is the most you can DO
and move on to something better
or someone
better
for you.

All of my love,
frustration
and late night emotions,
j

[for CCB and family]