we are anti-anti

i'm pulling the cord!
i'm cutting the cord!
i'm doing what i've done before but this time
i mean it!

i've removed myself from the facebooking community.

i spend way too much time on that thing! holy cow, and i learn and see things that i never wanted to know or see- and that are totally useless to me in the way of growing to be a better person.
which is what i want to be.

i know it's pretty general to say i want to be better because there are many things you could want to be better in or at, but there are too many for me right now so i am being general when i say in general i want to be a better person.

brandon's not even on facebook anymore and he was pretty much the only page i looked at anymore that i enjoyed. that doesnt mean you dont all have lovely pages with pretty pictures and stuff that is cool! i just want to get to know people in real life so badly and finally that itch was more important than pretending to scratch it by stalking people's internet lives.

the catalyst for all this i think was that last week b had midterms and i decided to be a pal and help him out by reading some of the contemporary works he had to write on and i was amazed at the depth and profundity that my life is lacking. i was blown away at the MODERN face of literature that was telling me "i'm not dead, nor doth i sleep". i was drawn in, spun around, turned inside out, and came out looking at the world with new eyeballs.
i'm serious.
when did i stop reading?! why did i do that?

i used to go to the public library every week since i was little, i would walk up and down the aisles fingering the titles and soft canvas covers my eyes scanning the used knowledge that could be mine! i LOVED to read. i would breath books, eat them, sleep them, travel with them, i would read my books under my school desks. i used to sit at the lunch table reading instead of eating and talking and finally my counselor came and took my books away from me because she thought i was "developing a problem".

I started plato's republic when i was eleven years old! (okay i never finished it, so it's not something to brag about but the cover made me want to hold it and read it. and the old book smell.)

there is always so much more in a book than is in me, and simultaneously as i read them, it's all there- the knowledge was there all along. i could see myself in the characters in little bits and pieces all over. it was a beautiful thing to recognize yourself in others. it made me feel a lot less lonely.

i didn't have friends, i had books.
i still don't have a ton of friends (i have a few that honestly i'll keep forever because i've read them over and over and over again and i love them) i've been using the internet to pretend like i do.

so time to get real.

in a totally relevant and hypocritical note, i'll probably be coping with my stupid withdrawals by filling up time and word space here- so i apologize in advance for the many posts that are going to appear in the next week until i find a better way to utilize my time. (and yours. so sorry)

in other news my hipster rocking chair came in the mail and is totally uncomfortable and made for someone ... three times less my size. i know this to be the case because the chair makes me feel like i'm falling out of it and it's plastic and what was i thinking?! it looks gorgeous in the room though. don't you hate that?! urgh!

pray for my strawberries. and pray for me so that i can get a real life instead of wasting it on the interwebs all day.
call me a hypocrite. but i'm trying. do they have patches for stuff like this?
pathetically and also feeling more noble-y yours,
j