Do you dream to wake or do you wake to dream?

Today was a beautiful and wonderful day.

I woke up to the surprise of snow, and Kirsten rumbling around in my bed. She is a delight to me, and a dear friend. Even if she rumbles and rambles in her sleep, although I must admit some nights I am scared awake by the movement of another person beside me. The squash bed remains unoccupied and silent in the back room. I am certain once warmer weather greets us for good Brandon and I will find some use for it.

I have finally found a working method for keeping girlscout cookies away from my mouth, I freeze them. I hate hard cookies and they take a while to thaw, and by then my appetite has found something else to gnaw on- usually.

It is almost midnight and I know deep down in my bones tomorrow I'll regret staying up so late since I'll have to rise early for work. But my mind is so alive, and though my body groans for bed my head runs about the house thinking all sorts of good things.


A year ago Brandon asked me on our first date. After three years of thinking about it of course.

Conference was incredible, in general.

I am reading in Alma 58-60 have touched me deeply about the war we are in today.




It is refreshing to think once more, it's very much like spring cleaning, where you pour all the dust and mites and dirt out into the open and get it over with, get it OUT.

I think I've been in a stupor for months now, I've been awful. I've complained [am I complaining about complaining? do those cancel out somewhere?] far too much for anyone's good and for the lack of mine.

This realization came thaw-fully when yesterday my niece Abigail was praying and she said "please bless Jacqueline, that she'll be happy..."

I haven't been very happy. Genuinely, since Brandon left.

I've been nice, amiable, jolly, hyper, and all sorts of close to that. I've been grateful, and loved, and I've laughed in every sincere way.

But I guess, to others, and now to myself, I have not been happy.

It's not because I don't wish to be, but I've been asleep for six months.

Emotionally.

Because, when I'm awake, I worry.

I've begun having dreams again.

Most of them are terrible. But sometimes they are wonderful.

And most of them, are a reflection of everything I'm repressing during the day.

How much I miss Brandon, or how scared I am he won't come back, or that he will come home changed.

How I have no control, and how God has it all. I have dreams about babies, and teeth falling out, I have dreams Brandon's been turned into a robot for the military.

BUT

at least I am dreaming again.

hello world.

Is it the stirrings of spring or the stirrings of me that I feel now?
I hope both. It will be nice to see myself again a little bit.