ultra sounds.

i think one of my favorite things as a child to look at was the ultrasound my mom kept of me in my photo book. it was so cool to me that while i was inside my mom they could take a picture of me! it helped that the doctor drew a really lopsided smiley face on my head too. did my parents not know which part of me was my head? isn't it kind of obvious? now that i look at peanut's head i see little spots which to me are eyeballs or a brain or a nose or a mouth that wont even breath anything but amniotic fluid until it sees the sunshine. well, florescent light shine.

dash took me for a run this morning. in my bathrobe untied with my gs and rainboots. i can't say that i was just humiliated for four blocks and back. i was furious. i keep thinking that this dog is going to make me miscarry and then i'm going to kill it. even though that is irrational and completely insane, i mean it. i will take him out to the desert and shoot him with brandons' 30 odd six. i love our dog but i love this peanut way more. and if i'm running all over the foot of snow outside and i dislocate my knee it's over. i'm down. and then im alone, and wet and cold and almost naked in the snow four blocks from my house with a dog who wont listen to me without his collar on running like hell on wheels and the worst part is he knows he is being bad. he knows i'm yelling at him and then when i try to be nice he still knows. his little rogue spot on his back is standing straight up and he knows. so when we got home i put him in the closet.

am i going to be a terrible mother?
no, i am not.
this thing that tortures and humiliates me on a regular basis, mauls the neighborhood children and eats fluff and licks imaginary things including air- did not come out of my body.

thank you very very much.
part of me would miss him though.
but right now that part is very
very
very
very
small.
and maybe that part was born when i was 6 and i watched my dad drop kick a pregnant Siamese cat out of our front door.

ps can somebody PLEASE explain where CRAIGOS went? and why its being called PIZZA PIE CAFE? what?