on having children

having children is a humbling experience. not just because heavenly father trusts you enough to give you a special spirit to guide through life and take care of their every need and want. but because things will happen to you that are completely out of your control.
let me explain.
you are sitting in church, it is your first sunday in a new ward and you want to make a good impression. it starts off well enough, you are all dressed in your favorite skirt, and your little girl is in an adorable dress, the toys you give her make way too much noise but nobody minds because she's so cute and chubby and is she ten months old or eight?

no. no. our child is five months old. and a half.

but that's not the best part.
the best part,
the most humbling part,

is that all through sacrament meeting when it is nice and quiet, your child decides it's a really especially good time to start farting loudly.
when i say loudly, i mean loud enough for the couple in front of you to turn towards each other and start blaming each other for farting.
loudly enough that the child sitting on the row next to you begins giggling.
loud enough.

so you think, oh, next sunday will be better.
next sunday,
your child will sit still and be quiet and play with her toys and mind herself happily.

no such luck.

this sunday, your child decides she is a dinosaur, and wants everybody to know it.
she demonstrates her delicate nature by screeching as loudly as she can at random. her favorite thing is to pop up over the pew and scream at the people behind you who are astonished.

to quiet her down, you place her laying on the bench, and give her a silent toy (silent this time being the key word) somehow, your child makes sure that the silent toy is making as much noise as possible- slapping it against her leg while she kicks both her feet into the side of your body- giving you a dead leg.
when you go to grab the toy, the child kicks in vengance, smacking your hands with the hard plastic chew toy and squeeeeling loudly.


you pick up your phone and put an ad on ksl for a free child.
just kidding.
you mutter excuses to everybody around you who is laughing
and take her out into the hallway.
where another person asks you if your kid is 8 months old.

having a child is a humbling, human experience.