wanna hear my CRAZY dreams?

so, i had these two dreams last night, and pregnancy makes your dreams... SO VIVID and real and sometimes (as in this case) scary. so here they are.

in the first dream, i am in what appears to be a mental hospital. i'm surrounded by my family and they make me feel like i'm alright. but brandon is missing. so i call him on my awesome hospital phone and he doesn't answer. We end up playing phone tag for most of the dream and his caller ID is flatchestedwife. I'm serious. So I'm getting the vibe from these messages from him that we're over, and that he's stuck me in this hospital. I go outside to the baseball field (we have a baseball field?) (apparently this hospital isn't super strict) and there are three fields, one has a bunch of reject mental patients sitting around looking gothic, and one has a bunch of parents and children. A bus comes and takes all the children away and a gothic kid comes to the bleachers where i am sitting with red and blue paint over his eyes making police car sirens. the police wont come near this place because IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD, they are loading up the children to take them somewhere safe, and i run as fast as my legs can carry me back to the mental ward where my family was to find they are all gone too and I've been left in an abandoned psych house. I think I am totally alone when I hear a baby, so I start wandering the hallways to find this crying baby and I walk into a room where there are mothers delivering their babies. The doctors who are there are letting the mothers die after they give birth and taking the babies and getting on the very last bus. I wake up.

Dream two
I am returning to my house after going to a wedding where the bride is obviously bisexual or lesbian and is being forced to marry a man. I am a part of the wedding party. I enter my garage code and go into the backyard, where suddenly I'm in rexburg, I've left our dog Dash tied up to a post and he is STARVING TO DEATH BECAUSE I FORGOT TO BRING HIM WITH ME to our new house! He has shrunk into the size of a baby puppy in big skin and he is out of his mind with hunger. He doesn't even recognize me. I am a terrible pet owner. My phone rings and I wake up.

My interpretation of the first dream:
My worst absolute worst fear in the whole world, is that the people I love the most will reject me and think I am crazy. This probably stems from years and years and years of people jokingly saying "jackie, (which i hate) you're CRAZY! (which i hate)" It's nice to be funny and weird and quirky (which i am) but when someone calls you crazy, what they are really saying is "i dont get you, i dont want to get you, and you make no sense, but thanks for making me laugh"

(think about someone you've called crazy and the moment where you did call them crazy. which we all have done myself included.) (is this all just a pessimistic skewed vision of what that phrase really means?) (i'm just saying what it means to me.)

even my family used to say it but i told my mom it really really really really bothers me and since then i dont think i've heard anyone say it. It's sort of ironic because people i love (people who i think know me pretty well) casually calling me crazy is what actually led to me having a nervous breakdown because i really thought i was going crazy. because if everyone around you is telling you you are crazy, and you can only tell yourself you are not crazy for so long before you start to think that maybe you are crazy and proof of it is that you have continued for so long to fight the fact that everyone else recognizes which is: that you are crazy.

i'm not saying everytime i hear someone say that that i get really offended or hurt, i'm actually used to it by now. but i AM saying that eventually this phrase has had a deep impact on me, and in retrospect i hate it, and it's troubling to me. When you say this to someone, you are saying "I'll never understand you and I don't even want to try. ha ha."

it's like if you started to notice everyone in your life jokingly saying "you're funny looking" i mean, that stuff would start to smart after about the 50th person.

"you're crazy"="your personality is funny looking"


okay
now that you know i dont appreciate the crazy.

the deepest part of that dream is brandon.
because brandons the only person i know in the whole world who is close to me who has never NEVER called me crazy. So i feel safe there to just be myself and not put on any entertaining airs, or overact because i'm really nervous and anxious for people to like me.

and then the baby part at the end, is just me being worried about being a mom.

next dream

i'm worried that i'm a bad pet owner.

fin.