This past weekend was memorable, to say the least. I thoroughly enjoyed myself, and I did a lot of contemplating as well as reminiscing. Sometimes it's really difficult to juxtapose your everyday life with what "used to be" or even what only ever existed under some kind of illusion. The fact is, the everyday life just doesn't add up to the other, no matter how wonderful it is. I realize that's not fair. I don't think it's healthy for me to be around those who either glorify one aspect of my personality, or live in world where I am made up of memories. This is not to say that I don't enjoy it. I love it, even. It's just not functional, and it's not realistic. Specifically, it's not fair to him, who gets to deal with all my inconsistencies, my weaknesses, and my often frustrating behavior-- all on a daily basis.
I cannot simultaneously live in a dream world while expecting to be satisfied with reality.
"It's simple. Tell them to laugh at everything. Tell them that a sense of humor is an unlimited virtue. Don't let anything remain sacred in a man's soul- and his soul won't be sacred to him. Kill reverence and you've killed the hero in man...Here's another way. Don't allow men to be happy. Happiness is self-contained and self-sufficient. Happy men have no time and no use for you. Happy men are free men."
- The Fountainhead (telling you who said it would give too much away)
When all is said and done, I am happy (or at least making the efforts on learning to be). I wake up every morning with the full expectation of it being a good day (I'm still tired and don't want to get out of bed, but that's normal). I have a feeling that it is because I am so busy, that everyday is harder than the last. Funny how that enhances the pleasure of staring at the sky, of walking down streets strewn with leaves.
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